Kuja's school for Black Mages
by Chaos Silk
Summary: “Changing someone’s gender, while amusing, was not the point of this assignment. You fail.” Heavily AU. After the game, Kuja is forced to teach black magic to various students.
1. First Meeting

Disclaimer: I own only my original characters, nothing else... Though I wish I owned Kuja.

A/N: So... long ago, my boyfriend and I were having a small little conversation about fic ideas and he gave me this grand idea which has now became the fic you see here.

Much love to **Satoh** for letting me write this.

Warnings: This fic will probably end up very, very screwed up in an enjoyable way.

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Challenge: Transgendering Zidane.

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"For your final test..." Kuja announced, pacing in front of the assembled Genome and Black Mage students. It had been a long year, full of explosions and lots of miscalculations. He was one-hundred percent certain that not a single one of them would pass this test, even #337, the supposed genius of the class... Kuja stalked towards the covered cage standing in the center of the front of the room and whipped the curtain off.

Gasps rang throughout the room. "You will be attempting to cast the frog spell on this unsuspecting moron..." Kuja continued, ignoring Zidane's indignant mouthing from inside the cage as he turned to face the class. He had cast silence on the younger genome hours and hours ago when he had kidnapped him from his room in Lindblum. "Failure to do so correctly will result in repeating my class as well as earning a Flare-spell to the face and mocking laughter from your peers. Now, are there any volunteers?"

Silence reigned throughout the room as the students nervously exchanged looks with each other. None of them wanted to be the first to undergo Kuja's weird exam. Only about less than half of the class could cast a simple Fire-spell without either blowing something up, turning something weird colors or some weird combination of the two (take #496 for example, who not only blew up his pants, but turned his neighbors blue). However, Kuja, insane evil mage that he is, expected them to not only successfully cast a high level spell like frog, but to do so without screwing up in some grand way.

Some of the more intelligent of the class were slowly beginning to believe that not only was Kuja a sadist, but he was purposely setting them up to fail for his own entertainment. They weren't that far from the truth. Kuja was a sadist and he was purposely setting them up to fail for his own enjoyment, but he was also aiming to see Zidane get hurt in amusing ways that would probably be irreversible.

Kuja waited five minutes (to build up the terror levels, after all, they didn't even have the Frog spell listed in their spell books) before selecting his first victim. Sweat rolled down the faces of the students, each wide-eyed and terrified that they would be chosen to go first, then fail miserably and get Flare-d in the face to the sound of mocking laughter from the other students (and they would laugh, because if they didn't Kuja would kill them). Kuja's eyes danced from student to student as he tried to decide which of the nine of them he should drag up here to miscast a complicated spell on Zidane first.

There was #496, the incompetent Black mage who couldn't even cast Fire without losing an article of clothing, #337, the most competent mage the class had to offer though he still wasn't up to standard spells yet, Shiv, the genome male who had an ego the size of an adamantoise and the spell-casting skill of a squirrel on speed, which admittedly, wasn't much use unless you were either throwing acorns at people or running around like your tail is on fire, Clara, the sweet genome girl who almost always ended up in tears by the time class passed the half-way point, #14, who was the most flamboyant black mage Kuja had ever had the honor to meet and was therefore his favorite, #15, #14 best friend and a bigger stuck-up prick than any of the knights of Pluto, Kuja took great pleasure in making him cry, Karma, a long-haired male genome who took great offence whenever Kuja so much as looked at him, Loki, an exact replica of Karma (Kuja had taken to calling them twins), but much, much more laid-back and generally uncaring about the world in general, and finally there was Crystal, a female genome who took great pleasure in screwing up spells and therefore was not called on often because her enjoyment took away Kuja's entertainment.

Kuja knew for certain that he would be calling on Crystal last, if only because the more people in front of her, the more pain the others were guaranteed to be in by the time it finally rolled around to her turn. Since he wanted Zidane to be mostly in one piece after this was all over with; calling up #496 first was completely out of the question. The young mage, despite his obvious incompetence, did make attempts to learn from the mistakes of others. If someone semi-competent went first, then at least half of the classroom would be spared from widespread destruction. Kuja's eyes narrowed upon #337, who was slowly slinking down in his seat, trying hard not to be noticed. The silver-haired genome smirked, an evil glint shimmering deep within his eyes.

"Mr. 337..." Kuja announced calmly, moving to the side gracefully and indicating the space in front of Zidane's cage with a well-manicured hand. "...Why don't you start first?" #337 shivered and slowly trudged up to the front of the classroom.

He stared at Zidane for a few seconds, watching his mouth move soundlessly as he silently called Kuja every name in the book, including a few names that wouldn't be allowed in a T-rated fic; then, glanced at Kuja, who was impatiently glaring at him. Taking a deep breath, he raised his staff and slowly began to chant the spell that would turn the older genome before him into a frog.

Kuja resisted the urge to snicker wildly as he recognized the chant, which was most certainly not the Frog spell, but a certain experimental spell he had placed into their spellbooks just for the hell of it. Zidane's eyes widened and he edged towards the back of the cage, he didn't know what that spell was, but he knew it most certainly was not the spell they were meant to be casting. He had been around enough mages (and ironically, could actually cast magic when he chose to) to know that what the kid was chanting was not the spell to change someone into a frog.

The invocation only lasted a couple of seconds, but for some reason it seemed to drag on forever before it finally took effect. The entire classroom was temporarily blinded by the light coming out of the cage as Zidane's form shimmered and changed.

The light faded, Zidane blinked. He looked down at himself, he looked at Kuja, then back down at himself. He poked the fleshy thing protruding from his chest, it jiggled slightly and felt kind of weird. He blinked again, slowly meeting Kuja's eyes. He fainted as a large, self-satisfied smirk appeared on Kuja's face, confirming his fate.

"Changing someone's gender, while amusing, was not the point of this assignment. You fail." Kuja said, snapping his fingers. Loud, mocking laughter rang throughout the classroom as #337 received an amusement-driven Flare-spell to the face. Kuja smirked at the nervously laughing class.

"Now, who wants to go next?"

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Got an idea you want to see written here? Review and request it.

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	2. Between Classes

Disclaimer: I own only my original characters, nothing else... Though I wish I owned Kuja.

A/N: Sorry for the delay, I had a small case of writer's block paired with some family issues and a death of a relative.

Much love to **Satoh** for letting me write this.

Warnings: This fic will probably end up very, very screwed up in an enjoyable way.

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"It is to my great displeasure that I admit that even after a year under my tutelage you are all still as much of the inept morons you were as when you first darkened my door." Kuja announced, still looking as clean and untouched as he ever did as he stood in the smoking ruins of what had once been his classroom, a cringing, ash-covered _female_ Zidane cowering behind him in the fetal position, rocking back and forth slowly. Kuja frowned, painted lips curling back to reveal perfect white teeth.

"It is to my even greater displeasure, and yours as well, that I must inform you have all failed and due to the esteemed..." The genome mage spat out esteemed like it was a curse word. "...Lady Hilda's command, you must return here within a week's time to retake this course." Disappointed groans came from underneath the wreckage, the last spell having caused the ceiling to collapse on top of everyone except for Kuja, who had wisely invested in protect and shell spells before class, and Zidane, who had escaped through sheer dumb luck.

"So, unless there is a random, freak accident in which you all die a horrible screaming death, I will see you all next week." Thankfully, since they were buried under the rubble, they could not see Kuja's evil smirk as he traipsed out of the room, dragging a stunned Zidane behind him by her collar. Silence filled the classroom.

"Is anyone else actually hoping that happens?"

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"So Brother-Dearest, shall we see what trouble you have stumbled into now?" Kuja stated as he threw the younger genome into his office, taking great pleasure in the way the blonde winced when she made contact with the sharp corners of the desk. Sadly, it seemed the pain broke the daze Zidane had been in since the discovery of large fleshy lumps on 'his' chest and the disappearance of a certain organ that 'he' had taken a large amount of pride in. The blonde glared up at him fiercely, dark blue eyes promising death the moment the woman was able to stand.

"What do you mean trouble I stumbled into? As I recall, you're the one who knocked me out and put me in a cage!!" Zidane shrieked, her higher than normal voice making Kuja's ears hurt. The silver-haired man –Kuja was still a man and _Zidane_ was a girl. There was something wrong with this picture- regarded the blonde with a small smirk.

"It's your own fault for sitting still and taking it like..." Kuja stated calmly, as though informing Zidane of the weather. The blonde girl snarled. "You finish that sentence and I swear I will not be the only one in the room missing their balls."

Kuja sniffed indignantly, moving to the other side of his desk to grab a book and sit down in his nice, plush chair, pointedly ignoring Zidane. The blonde huffed, crossing her arms over her chest and glaring dangerously at the scantily clad mage, only to get distracted by the disturbing effect crossing her arms had on her recently acquired assets. She threw herself down in the chair opposite Kuja and pouted.

Silence filled the room for several minutes, except for the turning of pages, or at least it did until Zidane decided to make a rather disturbing announcement.

"Hey, at least now I can make my own lesbian porn." Zidane said, grinning as though he had won a million gil.

If Kuja had been drinking something, it would've been all over his desk. As it was, he spluttered, nearly dropping his book as he stared at Zidane like he had lost his mind. "You're disgusting." He sneered at the smiling blonde, who now seemed so happy.

"Just trying to think of good points to being a girl." Zidane's grin, if possible, grew larger, her tail swishing from side to side happily. Kuja stared at him.

"What happens if some guy decides he likes you...doing that..." Kuja refused to lower himself by saying the word 'porn', outside of insults. "... And decides that you're the girl he's going to marry, or at the very least force to have sex with him in some darkened ally." He took great pleasure in watching Zidane pale at his words.

"Guy?" Zidane stuttered out, eyes wide as he realized that, yes, he was indeed female and it was typical for females to fall in love with, and have sex with, men, and it was getting more and more likely, especially on the dark streets of Treno, for a girl to get raped. Kuja smiled, though it reminded Zidane more of a dragon about to bite his head off.

"Yes, a guy. You see, in case you haven't noticed, you now have, to use your plebian word for it, boobs, and men, especially the type you associate with, like to chase people that have them. In fact, most of society tends to consider this the norm." Kuja explained, taking great sadistic pleasure in informing Zidane of his new situation, which hadn't quite sunk in. The blue eyed mage paused, taking the time to consider the blonde's new form. "Your acquaintances will quite possibly find you quite an attractive catch, and since you already share so much in common, a casual sexual relationship would not be unusual."

Zidane stared at him blankly, a little drool escaping the side of his mouth as his eyes rolled up into the back of his head and he collapsed into the chair. Kuja allowed himself a small giggle at the blonde's predicament before turning back to his book and enjoying the rare moment of silence with the added pleasure of breaking Zidane's mind.

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Thanks for reviewing.

Zidane is a girl, and Zidane is a pervert. I absolutely adore Kuja, he's so wonderfully sadistic and so cheerful when he's breaking someone's mind.

Got an idea you want to see written here? Review and request it.

Reviews would be loved. Requests will be written.


	3. ColorChanging

Disclaimer: I own only my original characters, nothing else... Though I wish I owned Kuja.

A/N: Ack, huge delay. I broke up with Satoh-kun, and truthfully, I forgot all I had planned, but this fic is just too good to pass up, so I'm back to writing it again. Oh, and I'm sorry to those that I didn't respond to in reviews/PMs, I've been rather busy and my inbox gets rather full at times. There is a small allusion to another fic of mine, Kudos to whoever finds it, I thought it was obvious.

Much love to **Satoh** for letting me write this.

Warnings: This fic will probably end up very, very screwed up in an enjoyable way.

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"I'm certain you will notice that there are no new faces among you even though we are now entering a new term and it is to my great pleasure that I relay to you that the _esteemed_ Lady Hilda has recruited another teacher for beginner level courses, a drunken Red Mage who accidentally wandered into her bed chambers while looking for a bathroom, and that you lot are the last bunch of untrained dunderheads I will ever have to teach." Kuja announced gleefully, an almost smile on his face as he addressed his classroom full of idiots. The wisest of the class were slowly beginning to fear for their lives, gender identities, and various other things you should worry about when confronted with a mad mage.

"It is because of this great, great joy that I have been willing to put aside the fact that I have attempted to drill this knowledge into your thick heads before and failed, and start over anew. We will start with a basic exercise that even my retarded monkey of an assistant Zidane can get right without blowing himself up." Kuja smirked down at his class, eyes dancing almost happily. It was then that the class noticed the boy/girl standing dejectedly behind him, eyes glued to the floor. Some of them were honestly hoping they would get the chance to cast spells on her again, just to see if they could change her back to a him. Kuja however, had other targets, plans and designs.

"Today, You shall be casting on each other. Pair up, whoever doesn't have a partner will be partners with me." The class stared at him, eyes wide. Kuja's smirk grew wider. "Now. Unless you want me to pick your partners for you?" Suddenly the room was full of chaos, each one of them struggling to get a partner who they could trust not to blow them up accidentally, or purposefully.

Zidane finally raised her head, clouds of black fog obscuring her eyes. Kuja had decided that life wasn't fun unless the blonde had a status effect or five on her, which is why he took great pleasure inflicting them on her when her back was turned, and her remedies were in her other purse. The Genome had little to no part in the decision to stay on as an assistant, as Hilda thought he was a good influence on his brother.

Kuja frowned as the dust settled, revealing the pairs. #14 and #15 were paired together, as usual, they wouldn't work with anyone else. #337 and #496 had somehow managed to grab each other, rather, #337 was wailing and clinging to #496's waist. Kuja expected lots of entertainment from that pair. Clara was cowering behind Shiv, leading the silver haired mage to believe that they had decided to pair up, and the twins (Karma and Loki) hadn't even moved. Crystal stood alone in the center of the classroom, glaring defiantly at him.

Kuja smirked; this was going to be fun. "Crystal," he said sweetly, smiling like he had just won the lottery. "Why don't you come up to the front of the class so I can demonstrate this little..." he paused, letting her have the time to realize she was minutes away from certain death. "...exercise." He finished with a hiss, chuckling under his breath at her dumbstruck look.

Obediently, she slowly trudged up to the front with the air of one about to go to their execution. Her lips moved silently as she walked, forming the words to a prayer to the gods, and eidolons that watched over them all. She finished her prayer for salvation as she came to a stop in front of the smirking genome mage, and his blonde lady companion.

"The point of this exercise is to...." he flicked his hand towards Crystal suddenly, showering her in blue sparks. "...change your partner a different color. Since some of you have displayed such proficiency at doing this before, I thought it was a fitting start for a new year." They all stared at him with wide eyes, glancing between him, and the now blue Crystal, who seemed to have fainted while standing up. Since her last memory of Kuja casting on her was of him hurling a giant ball of fire into her face and then laughing, one really couldn't blame her.

An awkward silence fell over the classroom. While it was true that in the previous class, they had changed themselves and others different colors at an alarming rate, none of it was done on purpose, and perhaps the only one who had done it on purpose had just crumpled to the floor in a dead faint. Kuja smirked, placing his hands on his hips.

"What are you waiting for? Begin."

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Thanks for reviewing.

Got an idea you want to see written here? Review and request it.

Reviews would be loved. Requests will be written.


	4. Success?

Disclaimer: I own only my original characters, nothing else... Though I wish I owned Kuja.

A/N: Long gap between updates. Dissidia made me update, because Kuja is just too cool for words. Sadly, he's the only reason I got the game.

Much love to **Satoh** for letting me write this.

Warnings: This fic will probably end up very, very screwed up in an enjoyable way.

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"Why is it that with every attempt I make to enlighten you incompetent morons, it ends up with something on fire?" Kuja demanded, glaring at the assembled persons. This was a simple assignment, and the spell they were practicing did not even have a fire-glyph in it. Hell, you didn't even need a chant for it, and yet these ignorant fools had several times –and the wrong incantations at that-.

He had actually intended on trying to teach them something useful this time around, if they had passed this small test. However, since they were useless and could not even manage to change the color of their own clothes on demand, he was just going to go the same way he had last time. By torturing the hell out of them, and not caring if they learned from their mistakes. Only this time, he would tell them where they went wrong, just enough to fall under Lady Hilde's compulsion spell, but not enough for them to actually learn something.

"You!" He pointed at #14, who was quivering in his elegant robes, his hat slightly scorched from #15's spell. He had been one of the lucky ones, his partner however was not so fortunate. #15 was glowing from head to foot, covered in what appeared to be sparking confetti. "Instead of trying to choose what color you were changing him, you should have focused on what you were doing. Now your partner will be a blinding eyesore for weeks until he scours that stuff off of his skin."

Kuja paused, tapping his finger against his cheek as he considered his next target. Eyes sweeping the room, they landed on the unfortunate pair of #337 and #496. It seemed that they had been exceedingly unlucky, as #337 had cast the first spell, which had ended up setting fire to the desks and his partner. #496 was in a lot of pain, but not in danger of dying.

He was going to enjoy this. "#337, what have you been told about mispronouncing words in my classroom?" Kuja purred, recognizing the telltale signs of the mage's incompetence. The idiot could not even speak properly when casting, yet he never shut up when he was not. His target drew in on himself, yellow eyes glittering with fear.

"Not to do it". He squeaked out, looking down at his shoes. Kuja was going to do something to him in punishment for wrecking the classroom, maybe turn him inside out again. He nearly jumped out of his skin when a well-manicured hand landed on his shoulder, patting it once before withdrawing. The look on Kuja's face stated quite clearly that he regarded him –and the rest of them- as something disgusting, but was touching him in order to make him paranoid.

"And you," Kuja drawled out, stalking over to the still fiery #496. "You should have known better." With those words, he cast a spell to keep the fire burning for longer, intensifying the pain, but healing #496 as he burned, keeping him alive, but in a lot of pain.

Shiv and Clara were both unconscious, so he would have to lecture them after they awakened. With a flick of his wrist, he switched their clothes and made Shiv's hair grow two feet before tying it up into pigtails. Smiling wickedly, he went on the next pair, both of whom were smiling triumphantly, and bright green.

"Congratulations, you've succeeded in proving you're not complete morons, now clean up the classroom."

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Thanks for reviewing.

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Reviews would be loved. Requests will be written.


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